A Past Brand.

Before I moved here to Hertfordshire in 2007 I was a struggling, aspiring, and as yet unpublished author. I spent years trying to get an agent; they all rejected me. Almost all publishing houses refused to accept maunscript not via an agent unless I was prepared to pay a great deal of money; the only offer I got was £10,500! I tried to get sponsorship and turned to the makers of risperidone. They raved for months, passed it round various people, made all the right noises then rejected me through a short e mail. Back to square 1!

6 years later I have not 1 but 2 books to my name. They have not sold many but how could I without the marketing muscle of a mainstream publishing house? Yet most who read the books rave about them. Perhaps they are only humouring me.

So on a warm, muggy, overcast June day why do I mention this? Well today I went to collect my prescription and was given original Janssen Cilag risperidone. Not seen those since they came off patent. Yes they were the company that raved then rejected me. But that is all in the past. It did bring a smile.

For those who have been listening I am now feeling better. I'm going to eat properly for the first time since Saturday-getting very hungry now. So it is Sunday roast on a Tuesday.

Just before I leave and having mentioned the books in this post I think a timely remnider of where they can be bought was due. This in particular reference to the large number of hits from the USA. So here you go if you fancy a mind blowing read:

http://www.amazon.com/A-Pillar-Impotence-Mark-Edgar/dp/1849913951/ref=pd_rhf_ee_p_t_3_1FC3

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Feeling Under The Weather.

We have a phrase we use in England that goes "feeling under the weather". It means to feel unwell but not necessarily ill. Today has been one such day. I've barely eaten as I couldn't stomach much. I'm not sure if it is a return of my bug I had few weeks ago but whatever it is it has stopped my plans for the day. Sadly I did not feel well enough to go to London to see Beka. Great shame but I hope it all went well. Here's to feeling better tomorrow.

As I write this Sunday evening I'm on the cusp of 10,000 hits on my blog since I started in September 2010. As I have noted before the audience can be variable but has been healthy in the last few months. I guess some of you think I have something to say.

Today despite not being well I danced with my past. I listened to my music but was only mildly saddened by it. Yes 23 years have passed since that morning I walked out of C staircase in Old Court, Selwyn College, Cambridge with the girl from Alabama. That was the day my life changed. That life has brought about 2 books. Will there be another? Maybe but I have to live if first.

So I leave you not at my best. I will post again soon.

I Heard a Voice.

A Wet Saturday.

Sometimes it is hard to work out what to do on a wet Saturday. Yes the rain is coming down outside and it is so gloomy I have the lights on to read. I woke very tired today-another bad night, up 4 times-and headed for town. Had a light lunch of Singapore noodles with Yan at the Fu Hao then came home. The plan was that boring domesticity we all have to undertake but barring the bathroom I did little.

So what should I do? I could just stare at the TV until it is time to cook my Thai curry. But that would be a waste of a day. So instead I have opted for a Haydn opera and a spot of reading. I'm delving further into my Rick Stein book I bought last week. All looks really good in there-can't wait to cook some of the dishes. When I have had enough of that I will turn once again to Jerome K Jerome and increase my cultural awareness.

There will be no opera tomorrow as I'm supporting Beka in London. She has been very anxious and tired but seems to be hanging on. Her portait unveiling went well today, one task down, one to go.

I really don't know where my mood is today. No sign of mania but none either of despair. I hope it holds tomorrow when I mark 23 years of madness; that is more than half my life. On Thursday I teach and on Friday it is the awards ceremony. Last year everyone thought I would win. I'm more circumspect this year, I know I have no chance!

I Heard a Voice.

Memories of Kafka.

One of the great privileges of my life is that I was taught at Cambridge by the classicist and ancient historian Christopher Kelly. He will go down as the greatest classical scholar of his generation. I haven't seen him for a few years as he now lives in Chicago but we remain friends 23 years after we first met. During the first year he taught me he pointed me in the direction of reading Kafka. I knew of Kafka from his famous work "Metamorphosis" but Christopher pointed me in the direction of a lesser known piece called "The Great Wall of China". It is the story of a Chinese emperor who wanted to get a message to an unknown peasant in a far off corner of the empire. It graphically describes the journey of the messenger as he struggled even to make it beyond the gates of the Imperial Palace. The message never gets to the peasant but the crux of the story is that whoever we are our rulers belong to us and can converse with us. In the ancient Roman Empire all citizens could appeal to the emperor. Of course their stories rarely got that far but that enough to sustain the Imperial Cult.

At 3.15 am as I sat there sweating in my flat smoking a cigarette after yet another nightmare my thoughts turned to the Kafka story all these years later. In the dream I was in an unfamiliar pub run by familiar friends and populated by so many people I knew from my past and present. Some are mad and some are not. It was a jolly scene which turned sour as I went off to find the loo in the pub. I opened a door and then there was another door. Then another and another. It went on for ever. Odd though it might sound my mind went into terror. Am I, like the Imperial messanger following a road to nowhere and just finding more and more empty doors? In reality I woke up as I needed the loo. But why is my mind so cruel to me? It was the first of 3 nightmares before I got up this morning.

Does that mean I'm stressed? I don't feel so. Actually it has been a more sedate week. Yet still the nightmares come to my troubled mind. Disturbing though it is I would rather have that than the return to my day time psychosis of my waking nightmares.

For all the ups and downs of the last year I am still well. I looked back the other day at my blog posts since September. On reflection it has been a much tougher year than my conscious mind recalls. I recall it getting difficult in February. But the blog records chaos as starting in October. Yes another year is up, where will I be this time next year? I don't know. Let's hope it is a good place.

I Heard a Voice.

Mania Versus Mania.

The anticipated rain came rather late in the day. I was expecting a washout but instead we have an early summer evening of light drizzle. Strange to think that from next week the days get shorter. Before then though I must get through an anniversary. In years gone by I would have relapsed around now. Post risperidone that day has become a day of reflection. For on Sunday it will be the 23rd anniversary of that fateful day in the splendour of Cambridge when my life changed for ever.

If you have been reading the last few weeks you will recall I have had to keep a bit of a lid on my mood. I have no real idea why it has been elevated. I never do anything crazy when up, I just piss people off. My problems come when I go the other way.

Today I was faced with a much more dangerous mania. Yes the bright, quick, switched on mind that is me met the edge of hypomania. I know her well but as ever she won't accept what might happen. I suspect I will be busy the next few days keeping her safe. But she will make it.

And so to Wednesday evening. I made a Thai dry duck curry with my remaining duck breast. Not perfect but very good. Then I was cheered by the return to the screens of Rick Stein. Not seen him for a couple of months. I'm eagerly anticipating his new series on India which will start soon. This time without adverts removing half of it. 2 more days to go this week. Saturday is devoted to boring domesticity but Sunday I go to London. Beka is being filmed in the Sky Portrait Competition. She was shortlisted from 2000 entries. Let us hope the annniversary does not affect my mood and support too much.

I Heard a Voice.

A Day Out In Norfolk.

EasAnglia is famous for being flat and for its rich fertile soil. Much of it is also wetland, Cambridge being built on a bog and many a British holiday being taken on the Norfolk Broads. Of course I have spent 9 years of my life living in Cambridge. In truth I would go back tomorrow if I could. It lies in the south west of East Anglia. The rest is a mystery to me other than going to visit Miriam and Nigel in Ely. I have in the past been to Norwich although it was over 20 years ago and I could remember nothing of it. That changed yesterday when I went there for a meeting. One of things I discoverd in our navel gazing day a couple of weeks ago is that others are apparently envious of my mobile life at work and of the chaos I get to sort out. Perhaps they would like to hear the screams of students being taken away after I have had to get them detained? Believe me, rare though it is those events haunt my life. Perhaps also we could swap for a week. That would be on the proviso that we swap salaries too-not sure they would like that. But it is nice to get out of the office and spending a whole day, despite nearly 6 hours on various trains is always good.

Knowing it would be a long journey I took "Three Men and Boat" along to read. I managed a chapter. On a beautiful day I marvelled at such beautiful countryside, the rivers, lakes and miles of farmland. It was truly a sight to see. And from what little I saw of Norwich it is beautiful too. Must go back one day.

I was exhausted this morning-I had left my flat at 6 am and returned at 7 pm yesterday. I pottered into town comparatively early. My hair is now cut, the shopping is done, I had Tsing Tao with Yan in the Fu Hao then popped into see my old landlord Michael who very kindly shared a simple lunch of cold meat, cheese, and bread.

Back at home I quickly binned my plan of cleaning and settled instead for Handel's Coronation anthems and reading my new Rick Stein book on India. The Handel is our recording, not out best as over excitement led to some rather sharp singing. Fun though. Later I will slow cook a Balinese pork dish with shoulder, chillies, ginger, home made stock, and kecap manis. For Monday a duck to roast.

What of tomorrow? Well it will be different as I'm off out with the wonderful Dory. It should have been today but she had to look after the kids. So tomorrow it is then.

I Heard a Voice.

A Mention In A National.

If you have been reading for a while you will recall the long hard winter we endured here in the UK. Some of you might also recall me reporting a "surge" in sales-relatively speaking-of "A Pillar of Impotence". As I have no backing for marketing sales are sporadic and usually in response to me speaking or teaching. Oh that everyone who said they would buy a copy had done so-I'm certain I would have sold 10 times as many as I have. But no matter.

What I didn't understand was that at the time of the mini surge I had not spoken to anyone in public. By that stage I thought maybe that was it, a book by an unknown that sold a couple of hundred copies. Today I think I may have found the answer. Whilst playing around with my blog stats I came across something new on google. At the end of last year, someone, I do not know him mentioned the book in an article in the Guardian newspaper in their section entitled "your books of the year" back in December. All I can say is wow! How did that happen? I have sent the book to 2 national newspapers and never heard a word back. I sent a copy to perhaps the most famous bipolar person in the UK Stephen Fry, he ignored it too. Yet an unknown thought enough of it to mention it when others wouldn't.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/dec/28/your-books-of-the-year-2012

Where that leaves me I don't know but maybe one day I will make a big breakthrough.

As for me I'm okay after my strange manic/mixed weekend. I worked late yesterday and today-so much for the holidays. I'm booked out all week. So be it, at least I won't be bored.

When I did get to wind down today I kept it simple. For various reasons I have cooked little this week. But one of my famous coriander omelettes did the trick today-it is good to keep it simple. There was one stunning exception that I did cook, a Vietnamese stir fried chicken with chilli, coriander, lime and lemongrass. Never done it before but I almost made a masterpiece. And my mouth was on fire after-I like that.

I Heard a Voice.